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We'll paint the town Blue cuz baby red is just so passe

The minute I saw him watching me dance from across the room, I knew I would have to get up the courage to talk to him by the end of the night. Blue was just my type- clean cut, tall, gorgeous blue eyes, even more gorgeous smile. And he was interested. In me. I had one more drink to chase away any shyness, and found a way to casually make my way over and strike up a conversation. I managed to pull him away from his group of friends a bit and started flirting the best I knew how. Apparently it worked.... an hour and a great conversation later, I had a number :)

This being the facebook obsessed world that it is, Blue found me on facebook later that week and we started messaging back and forth. Eventually we decided to go out on a date and talk a bit more in person without the alcohol and the friends in the way. And let me tell you... it was one of the top three dates I have ever been on. Dinner, putt putt, driving around trying to find an ice cream shop that was still open by then, checking out motorcycles... ok sounds a little cheesy maybe but wow it was amazing. I didn't want to stop spending time with him. Which is why I was baffled when Blue dropped me off with no goodnight kiss and then proceeded to speed out of my driveway before I even got to the door like he couldn't get away fast enough. I could not figure out what happened. However, since it was a first date, I didn't take it too personally. Sometimes things just don't work out.

...Which is why I was even more baffled when a couple weeks later, right before I was supposed to go back to school, Blue texted me to see if I wasnted to go out again. I was anxious to give it another chance and see if there was some reason behind the awkward end of the night. So I arranged a fun night with a few friends, so there was a safety cushion if things were too awkward. And they were. This date would go in the bottom three. It. was. awful. There was no connection, no spark, no fun, nothing. I couldn't wait to drop him back off (due to a recent injury on his part I had to drive that night) and I began to wonder what the heck I ever saw in him.

Of course, being the forgiving person that I am, I decided to give Blue yet another chance when I was home one weekend from school. We had stayed in touch a bit, with the occasional text or facebook message. I thought why not, we'll see how it goes this time. Aside from ending up having to walk about a mile each way to and from a party in my favorite high heels (ouch... the bruise under my toenail from that is still growing out...) and being awkwardly dressed very nicely when apparently it was an eighties theme party... it was another amazing evening. Blue was incredibly flirty, and even ventured to make a bit of physical contact that he as of yet hadn't even hinted at. And that first kiss. Wow. I'm not sure if it was the waiting or the unexpectedness or just raw chemistry, but it was amazing. We decided pretty shortly to head back to his place to hang out a bit. And fool around a bit. We ditched the friends we were with as soon as we could, and headed up to his apartment. And from the moment we stepped on the elevator he could not keep his hands off me. We made our way to his room, where the clothes came off bit by bit. I briefly considered slowing down, blah blah, keeping my dignity and respect, but then just thought forget it. And continued to have an amazing time with him.

And then I had to go back to school again. Why did I think it would be a good idea to go away to school? Yea I'm still trying to figure that out. But anyways, once again, kept in contact a bit. And we went out again next time I was home and had almost as much fun as the last time :)

But then after that I kind of got bored. I realized that while we had a decent amount of physical chemistry, ok a lot bit of physical chemistry, we had nothing in common and nothing to talk about. We started re-telling the same stories by that fourth date. And I found myself once again kind of looking forward to the end of the date. So basically after that we just kind of lost contact. When I was home over break we saw each other a few times at the bar where we met, and it was good to see him but there was just no spark. Which was depressing because come on, Blue was pretty. I did consider hooking up with him before I came back to school just for fun, but that never happened. He never responded to my message until the day after I had to come back to school. Damn bad timing. And now he has a girlfiend. I can't say that I'm jealous of her, but I am a little sad that I didn't get that last fling with him that I was hoping for. But I will always get satisfaction from the fact that I am way cuter than her :-P

Frustrating!!!

This no computer thing is killing me... I promise a new post when I can get on the computer somewhere other than the library for a substantial period of time!

He needs a nickname...

Ok so I could go the whole cliche route. Pop your cherry, lose the v card, blah blah blah. Or you know, the sappy route, giving away that one time gift (usually reserved for church groups preaching abstinence...), but all those annoy me. So I'll be straight up. I finally had sex last weekend. So I guess I could start at the beginning...

...We started off hanging out with some of his friends about an hour from his place. He seemed nervous on the way there, seeing as this would be the first time I met his friends. So I was a little put off when we got to the house, kind of wondering how the night would go. I was expecting disaster. A few beers in, thankfully he started to relax a bit and was back to normal. If there is one very cliche thing about me, it's that alcohol makes me horny. And tequila makes my clothes fall off... but that's a whole different story for another time :p Partway through the night, we both went upstairs to find the bathroom. And apparently he had the same thing on his mind, seeing as he pulled me into the bathroom with him and proceeded to feel me up as he kissed me long and hard. We heard someone coming up the stairs then, so I hurried out of the bathroom to innocently wait in line. And of course, seeing as there was alcohol involved, there was another short bathroom trip. And me being the tease that I am, I told him that I was wearing a very sexy bra and matching underwear. As he started pulling at my shirt to see what I was talking about, I pulled away and said he would just have to wait till later.

We waited until he was sober enough to drive, and then decided to head back. The party was getting a little out of control anyway, and two guys were getting into a fight, so it was good timing to leave. Being the tease that I like to be, I started scratching the back of his head because I know that drives him crazy. I knew we had a long car ride back, but I took advantage of very minute of it to make him want me. At some point earlier in the night, we had decided that I was in control for the night and that I would make all the moves. He immediately regretted this as I started rubbing his thigh while we still had a good amount of the drive left. Stopped at a red light, he leaned over and whispered in my ear that he wished he had not told me to be in control of the moves for the night, because all he wanted to do was get me in his room and rip my clothes off. The tension and the waiting was killing him.

So we finally are back to his place. I kissed him as I pressed my body into his, and then made him wait even longer while I ran to the bathroom. When I came back out, I grabbed him and pulled him into me, and then raised my arms over my head to signal that I wanted him to undress me. We made our way slowly to the bed as we lost items of clothing with each step. I won't go into detail from here, other than to say that I finally felt ready. And we made use of the bed... the couch... even the shower. I felt a little amused... some people wait forever to have shower sex and here it was my first time and we had a go at it. Very very fun :)

So, now I unfortunately don't know when I will get to see him next, since plans for this weekend fell through. Maybe next weekend? Oh well.

Side note... went and saw Coraline with the old roommate tonight... great movie :) Definitely too scary for kids though. But we both thoroughly enjoyed it.

More Like Her

It's song lyric time... because sometimes they say it better than you could ever say it yourself. Thanks to Miranda Lambert for kicking ass :)

She's beautiful in her simple little way
She don't have too much to say when she gets mad
She understands she don't let go of anything
Even when the pain gets really bad
I guess I should have been more like that

You had it all for a pretty little while
And somehow you made me smile when I was sad
You took a chance on a bruised and beaten heart
And then you realized you wanted what you had
I guess I should have been more like that

I should have held on to my pride
I should have never let you lie
I guess you got what you deserve
I guess I should have been more like her

Forgiving you well she's stronger than I am
You don't look much like a man from where I'm at
It's plain to see desperation showed it's truth
You love her as she loves you with all she has
I guess I should have been more like that

I should have held on to my pride
I should have never let you lie
I guess you got what you deserve
I guess I should have been more like her

She's beautiful in her simple little way

Officially breaking the rules

Update on my last post. I think a lot of my reasoning for not wanting a relationship in the past has been because I haven't felt like settling down. I enjoy going out and dancing and I like to flirt and meet guys and have fun. I always thought that dating someone seriously would basically get in the way of that. But honestly, lately it's been getting old anyways. And some of my life choices have made my friends mad at me and have caused all sorts of drama. So I have kind of been trying to change a bit lately anyways and not be so crazy I guess. I had a good year of letting myself live a little crazy and have some fun, but honestly I'm tired of it all. Yea, the club scene was fun for a bit. Yea, it's an ego boost to have guys hitting on you for a while. But after not too long, you realize that the clubs are too crowded and a little gross, and the guys are all pretty sleazy. So it's really not that great anyways.

So time for why this is relevant. As of last night, I am officially in my second relationship ever. And I am very happy :) And I was always afraid that being with someone would make me feel like I was tied down, and that I couldn't have as much fun as I used to. But that's really not the case with him. He is in a way very much less experienced than I am, seeing as I am the second girl he has ever kissed or fooled around with. Yea, I think I'm in my thirties at this point haha. So he kind of makes me want to be a better person in a way. I don't regret anything I've done, but being with him makes me want to calm down a bit I guess.

Not to mention, he is completely amazing. I'm afraid he likes me a little too much, but right now I don't mind :) I have never felt as comfortable with anyone as I do with him, and it is a great feeling. Not to mention the killer chemistry... that kind of helps too ;)

Rules were made to be broken?

So I have several basic rules for myself when it comes to relationships.

Rule one: I don't do relationships.

If I happen to break that rule, I have a few rules to follow it.

Rule two: I don't date younger.
Rule three: I don't do long distance.

Really those are all that are important right now. And the reason is, I am breaking all of these rules at once. But I think I like it. I'll keep you updated on how it goes ;)

Moving Out

So it's time for a new apartment.

The dishes in the sink, I could deal with. The clutter everywhere, I could handle. Even the loud crazy nights with random guests, I could put up with.

The complete disrespect for me as a person? Absolutely not. And the temper tantrums, and the middle school attitude and the constant mocking, that I cannot deal with. I mean who flips out and stomps around and slams doors because their roommate forgot that they watch Gossip Girl at 8 every Monday and happened to turn on House at the same time? If there had been a rational discussion involved, I would have gladly gone to my room to watch House. But no. Immediate temper tantrum.

And when a fourth roommate asks you and the five random guys that you have in the living room at five in the morning to please be quiet so they can sleep, who bangs on the wall and mocks them loud enough for the whole building to hear and slam cupboards and stomp around just to spite them?

Not to mention a complete blow up after a sign above the sink asking please and thank you put your dishes in the dishwasher.

And having the apartment trashed and your roommates expecting you to clean it up and being completely bewildered when you don't.

And you asking your roommate to pick up something for you and having her respond "well I can't cater to your every need so don't expect me to always be able to do favors for you".

And those are just a minority of the examples I could give. Just the tip of the iceberg, most recent examples. Trust me, there are plenty more where those came from.

I never expected a perfect roommate. I mean, I have admittedly done things that are less than mature. But I mean come on, these two roommates are acting like children. You can't make this stuff up. I have never imagined that any person who is 21 years old would act like that. It is honestly like watching an ill-mannered five year old when their mother refuses them a piece of candy in the checkout lane in the grocery store. It's absolutely ridiculous.

So in light of that behavior, on top of the personal attacks I have been getting from my roommate who is also my former best friend here at school, I have been working on moving out of this apartment. I don't think I should be expected to live like this. And that's all I have to say I guess :-P

Exposé

Wow, it's been awhile. And there's been lots going on. I am going to use this opportunity to uncover the truths about sorority stereotypes, at least as far as my experience has shown me.

So people tend to believe that sorority girls are a bunch of overly tanned fake blondes who only wear designer clothes and have their daddy's credit card and don't eat and are stupid bitches who drink and sleep around.

I have discovered that in part, this is true. Not so much the image part of the equation, but definitely the personality. I have always been optimistic about my chapter (which, for many reasons, will remain unnamed), but after being in a room with the majority of my sorority sisters for 13 hours at a time for five days for recruitment, I am starting to get a little cynical. Or should I say, a lot cynical.

Before I dive in to all the shit, let me start by saying this much. I am really involved in my sorority, and I plan to stay involved. They are honestly the reason I am still at school this semester... I wanted to take a semester off but I decided that I cared more about my responsibility in the sorority than I did about all the crap I've been dealing with outside of it. So that said, let the shit hit the fan.

First of all, here is my theory on sluttiness/drinking/etc... that tends to be the reputation of sorority girls. I think that the greek system is an overall representation of the campus and if you really looked at it, the percentage of girls who are sluts or drunks or druggies in the greek system is probably the same as on campus. However, it is magnified by the fact that it is a smaller concentration of college women and the fact that they tend to be more visible on campus as a group. So yea, there are a lot of sluts and drunks and druggies, but no more than on the rest of campus.

Point number two. That whole idea of sisterhood and being really close with the girls in the sorority and always having each other's backs? Bullshit. Let me start by saying that there are so many cliques that are impossible to break into, and yes, it goes back to the high school dynamic of the popular girls v. everyone else. There is a definite hierarchy and unless you make herculean efforts, it is really hard to move up in the system. I have been lucky enough to make said herculean efforts, and I actually have moved up. And honestly, I like being near the top. Aside from all that high school crap, let me tell you that there is no way you can trust anyone in the sorority. The only experience I have had is backstabbing and abandonment from my friends. Not to say that I'm a perfect angel, but come on. I actually left middle school the good part of a decade ago. I wish everyone else would.

And then there is the trash talking. Sorority against sorority. It's a bunch of crap. Just because a different group of girls wears a different set of letters than you, doesn't mean that they are a better or worse person. They are just different and fit in with different girls than you do. Not much else to say on that.

Hazing... yea we actually don't do that. Some girls do, but as a campus and as a sorority we are very much against it.

And then there are the politics. Absolutely ridiculous. The girls in power have way too much power, and the girls not in power have absolutely zero. Which is one reason why I got a position this year. I'd like to have a say in how things go down. Even with a position, there is so much going on behind the scenes that I don't know about. Especially with recruitment- things like hiding girls by sending them home and being very careful about who picks up what girls when they walk in the door so that we only get "good" people. AKA pretty people.

Now, after I have bitched about my sorority and said how awful it is, I will also say that I am so glad I am involved. It has given me many opportunities that I would not have had otherwise. And I have met so many people through the sorority that have become great friends. My big sister from the sorority is one of my favorite people in the world, and we honestly care about each other a lot. She is not the gossiping, backstabbing type. So in the long run, there are a few gems and there are some great rewards. I wouldn't take back my experience ever, even if it has been a bit dramatic and annoying at times. And I would say it's about time for me to stop my rant :P

You can't fake that kind of chemistry

Kissing is fun. I think everyone who has ever kissed anyone can agree with that. Well, almost. I mean, some people are really bad kissers and can leave a bad impression. But that's not what I'm getting at. Every once in a while you kiss someone and it is way more than just four lips touching. More than just two people sharing a romantic moment. It's fireworks, sparks, all that cheesy Harlequin crap. And kissing that person pretty much ruins kissing anyone else for you. No other kiss afterwards will be quite as thrilling. Because when you're standing outside your front door after a perfect date, standing on your tiptoes to reach their lips and pressing your body against theirs as you experience one of the best kisses in your life, you feel that kiss everywhere. That kiss is not just in the lips. It reaches down to your toes. It makes your head spin. It makes you never want to come up for air. It makes you realize, in that instant, what everyone is talking about when they talk about having chemistry with someone. And when you walk away, you are still so affected by that kiss that you can't quite walk straight. And once it's all over, whether it was a summer fling that naturally came to an end or a bad breakup that left both of you crushed, you never forget that kiss. You crave the chemistry that you felt with that person and are afraid you will never find again. You believe you would give just about anything to kiss them one more time, just to feel that fire race through your body at that mere touch and the tingle that reaches all the way to your fingers and toes when they pull you in close. And until finally, one day, you do forget the sensation of that person's lips on yours, no other kiss will compare to theirs.

How am I supposed to find a title for this?

He died about four years ago right around this time. I guess I don't really have much to say anymore, because I didn't know him that well to begin with. It was just a high school crush. But I felt the need to at least say something, just to remember him for a minute. I never thought that I would get over losing him, over the pain of someone passing away far too young. I mean, he was only 19. I do still think about him now and then, but it doesn't hurt anymore. Time really does heal everything.


R.I.P. Ryan M.

Happy? What's that?

I smiled today for the first time in a long time. Ok well that's not technically true. I force a smile every day, all day. But today I was on my way home from class and a song came on my iPod that I really like. And after a few seconds I realized that I was smiling. And that I was genuinely happy. And then when I was watching TV I laughed out loud and found the jokes actually funny.

Usually I wouldn't think twice about these things. But lately I have been so down that it was kind of monumental today. And realizing that I was happy made me even more happy.

Anyways. Maybe not interesting or entertaining, but I felt a need to put this into writing so I would remember today :) That's all.

Incest is Subjective

Ok, according to the law, it isn't. But I do have a point. It seems that most people end up having someone in their lives that they consider a brother or a sister even though they are not related. But then what happens when you grow up and realize that you are perfect for each other? That no one knows you quite like they do? That you may not have realized it before, but wow, they look damn fine. That's when things get complicated. I mean, it's practically incest!

So let me back up. Seventh grade. New Kid at school walks in the door. He's the hottest thing since Dave became basketball captain last month. Everyone wants him. And he wants you. It's great. Or at least it should be, but you're too wrapped up in Billy to notice that New Kid wants you. That's pretty much the beginning of my story. There's a whole lot more to that part of it, but that's not the point right now.

Despite my idiocy and inability to recognize that he was actually interested in me, New Kid and I became really good friends. The kind of friend that lasts. Sometime in eighth grade, his family had some troubles and we offered the extra rooms in our house to them because we had become pretty close with them. New Kid had a brother, Tattoos, that was in my sister's grade. They also had two younger siblings, and their mom was pretty close with my mom. They lived with us for a couple weeks where we all became even closer. They became our family. So fastforward to the present day.

New Kid has a girlfriend, so no, that's not where this is going. Bet that's what you thought, wasn't it? Well you were wrong. Tattoos. Is. Hot. He grew up quite well. And I am lucky enough work with him when I am home over the summer. And it seems that we tend to be on the same page quite often when it comes to troubles with the opposite sex. And there is definitely some flirtatiousness when summer rolls around and work gets boring. But it all comes down to incest. It would be so weird for us to be together because he's practically my brother. His family is my family. So I will continue to admire from afar, and one of these days we'll both find someone and we will both be happy and I will forget all about my incestuous thoughts. And plus, if we did end up together, then Florida Bitch would be my sister-in-law. And THAT is just not acceptable.

Familiarity is so not overrated

I think there is a lot to be said for feeling safe with somebody. I am one of those people that loves the thrill of unrequited love and the danger of taking things too far too fast. I'm young, it's fun, and it keeps me entertained, that's for sure. But there's also the downside of being hurt by those people. It's like you can see the letdown coming a mile away, but it still hurts like hell when someone tosses your heart aside to move onto their own new thrill. Anyway, my year can pretty much be summed up by a stream of these roller-coaster almost-relationships. However there is one person that sticks out in my mind that has been different than the rest. I will refer to him as Ted. Last year we went on a few dates and hung out a lot for a bit of time, but I was just never that into it. I got the feeling that he wanted to get serious pretty quickly, and I was absolutely not looking for a relationship. There was never a dramatic end to things, but I guess that's because there was nothing really to end. We just sort of stopped talking as much and we didn't ask each other to go out anymore. I think it was pretty mutual. So we stayed friends, and we would talk every now and then and we would run into each other randomly on campus and such. So anyways. Enough of the background. Basically I never really gave him a second thought since then.

Until last night. My sorority had a party with his fraternity, and so I ended up talking to him the majority of the night. It was good to talk to him again- I had forgotten how easy he was to talk to and how much fun I could have with him. After the party we split ways, but he told me that he was having people over to his house, so that idea was kind of in the back of my mind. But I started flirting with this new cute guy from out of town, and he seemed pretty into me. We ended up making out a bit and dancing, but then he started shoving his hands down my pants in the middle of the bar, and was overall being very creepy. I decided not to completely write him off because he was damn attractive, and, well, I was smashed. His friend said that he knew the bouncer at a bar that was 21 and up and could get me in, so I headed that way with them. Of course, when we get there, I can't get in. I also decided that the guy was a total creep and I didn't want to spend any more time than necessary with him so I called Ted. I told him the guys I was with were being assholes and I needed somewhere to go and I asked if I could head over there. Details of the conversation are neither important nor remembered, but long story short within five minutes I was on my way to his house.

When I got there everyone had already left, but Ted seemed more than happy to see me and was fine with me staying for a bit. So we sat on the couch and talked for a bit, and it was really nice. I felt safe after having been around that creeper, and the familiarity of spending time with him felt great. Of course, as we had both been drinking and we kind of seemed to have a reconnection moment, we ended up kissing. And then making out. And then moving to the bedroom and making out more. (Maybe I should point out now to anyone who may read this that I am in fact still a virgin. I tell a lot of stories about hooking up with people and random flings, but amongst all of my drunken "one night stands" and going home with the wrong people I have yet to have sex. Personal choice.) Anyways, after a while we were obviously tired since it was probably about three in the morning, so we snuggled up and went to sleep. And again, just being in his arms and knowing that he had no hidden agenda and wasn't simply hooking up with me to get some ass felt so safe. It was the best feeling I've had in a while. What can I say? Sometimes I just need a good snuggle.

So now it is the next day and I'm trying to figure out what to do. I don't want to get back together with him. I don't even think I want to make out with him again. But I think more of a friendship than we have had this past year is probably worth pursuing. I don't know. I guess we will have to see what happens tonight :)

Between the lines

Maybe my blog title needs an explanation. No, I am not extremely detail oriented. In fact, I am rather scatter-brained. The title is from the Sara Bareilles song "Between the Lines". I guess rather than going into detail about how the song relates to my life (and believe me, it is as if she wrote every line with my situation in mind), I thought it would be better to just post the lyrics. So here is my life right now in a nutshell:

Time to tell me the truth
To burden your mouth for what you say
No pieces of paper in the way
'Cause I can't continue pretending to choose
These opposite sides on which we fall
Loving you laters if at all
No right minds could wrong be this many times
My memory is cruel
I'm queen of attention to details
Defending intentions if he fails
Until now, he told me her name
It sounded familiar in a way
I could have sworn I'd heard him say it ten thousand times
Oh, if only I had been listening

Leave unsaid unspoken
Eyes wide shut unopened
You and me
Always between the lines
Between the lines

I thought I, I thought I was ready to bleed
That we'd move from the shadows on the wall
And stand in the center of it all
Too late, two choices to stay or to leave
Mine was so easy to uncover
He'd already left with the other
So I've learned to listen through silence

Leave unsaid unspoken
Eyes wide shut unopened
You and me
Always be
You and me always be

I tell myself all the words he surely meant to say
I'll talk until the conversation doesn't stay on
Wait for me, I'm almost ready
When he meant let go

Leave unsaid unspoken
Eyes wide shut unopened
You and me
Always be
You and me
Always between the lines
Between the lines
Between the lines

My cynical views on love

Do you know what look I hate? That look that people get after a surprise kiss. You see it in the movies and on TV all the time- the sexual tension is finally broken when the stereotypically attractive male hero finally plants one on the strong and independent female lead. Most people love this scene because that tension that has been building and building is finally broken and the two people everyone has been rooting for can finally be happy together.

But I don't see it that way. If you look closely and see past that immediate smile that comes across the woman's face, you see something else. Complete trust and vulnerability. And you know what? That just makes me angry. Why is it that a woman can be just fine, and even more than that really well off, and then as soon as a man kisses her she is weak? She abandons all sense of strength just because someone bent over and pressed his lips to hers. And in that one instant, all of her insecurities are written all over her face. You can see that she just can't believe that someone would actually find her attractive enough and interesting enough to make the effort to kiss her.

I may just be jaded though. This makes me angry because I recognize this look in myself. I remember the people that I have given this look to. I remember the moments when someone completely surprised me with a kiss. The summer afternoon watching movies and drinking beer on the couch, the party where a long awaited conversation leads to more, the innocent gathering in a friend's apartment. And yes, I bought into the romance of it each time. I allowed myself to believe that a kiss was more than a kiss. And after having my heart broken by these men, I realized that the hero is not a hero. He is just another liar that will use you until there is nothing left of you to use and then leave you with no explanation. Months later you may get the lame excuse "oh, I realized I wasn't over my ex" or "my life got a little crazy" or "I just wasn't ready for a relationship" (even though they start dating someone immediately after...) but in the long run, the "hero" is just another lousy excuse for a man in a long line of men just waiting to break your heart.

Bitter? Maybe. Heartbroken? Yes. Disillusioned to the idea of romance that everyone seems to buy into? Definitely.