Familiarity is so not overrated

I think there is a lot to be said for feeling safe with somebody. I am one of those people that loves the thrill of unrequited love and the danger of taking things too far too fast. I'm young, it's fun, and it keeps me entertained, that's for sure. But there's also the downside of being hurt by those people. It's like you can see the letdown coming a mile away, but it still hurts like hell when someone tosses your heart aside to move onto their own new thrill. Anyway, my year can pretty much be summed up by a stream of these roller-coaster almost-relationships. However there is one person that sticks out in my mind that has been different than the rest. I will refer to him as Ted. Last year we went on a few dates and hung out a lot for a bit of time, but I was just never that into it. I got the feeling that he wanted to get serious pretty quickly, and I was absolutely not looking for a relationship. There was never a dramatic end to things, but I guess that's because there was nothing really to end. We just sort of stopped talking as much and we didn't ask each other to go out anymore. I think it was pretty mutual. So we stayed friends, and we would talk every now and then and we would run into each other randomly on campus and such. So anyways. Enough of the background. Basically I never really gave him a second thought since then.

Until last night. My sorority had a party with his fraternity, and so I ended up talking to him the majority of the night. It was good to talk to him again- I had forgotten how easy he was to talk to and how much fun I could have with him. After the party we split ways, but he told me that he was having people over to his house, so that idea was kind of in the back of my mind. But I started flirting with this new cute guy from out of town, and he seemed pretty into me. We ended up making out a bit and dancing, but then he started shoving his hands down my pants in the middle of the bar, and was overall being very creepy. I decided not to completely write him off because he was damn attractive, and, well, I was smashed. His friend said that he knew the bouncer at a bar that was 21 and up and could get me in, so I headed that way with them. Of course, when we get there, I can't get in. I also decided that the guy was a total creep and I didn't want to spend any more time than necessary with him so I called Ted. I told him the guys I was with were being assholes and I needed somewhere to go and I asked if I could head over there. Details of the conversation are neither important nor remembered, but long story short within five minutes I was on my way to his house.

When I got there everyone had already left, but Ted seemed more than happy to see me and was fine with me staying for a bit. So we sat on the couch and talked for a bit, and it was really nice. I felt safe after having been around that creeper, and the familiarity of spending time with him felt great. Of course, as we had both been drinking and we kind of seemed to have a reconnection moment, we ended up kissing. And then making out. And then moving to the bedroom and making out more. (Maybe I should point out now to anyone who may read this that I am in fact still a virgin. I tell a lot of stories about hooking up with people and random flings, but amongst all of my drunken "one night stands" and going home with the wrong people I have yet to have sex. Personal choice.) Anyways, after a while we were obviously tired since it was probably about three in the morning, so we snuggled up and went to sleep. And again, just being in his arms and knowing that he had no hidden agenda and wasn't simply hooking up with me to get some ass felt so safe. It was the best feeling I've had in a while. What can I say? Sometimes I just need a good snuggle.

So now it is the next day and I'm trying to figure out what to do. I don't want to get back together with him. I don't even think I want to make out with him again. But I think more of a friendship than we have had this past year is probably worth pursuing. I don't know. I guess we will have to see what happens tonight :)

Between the lines

Maybe my blog title needs an explanation. No, I am not extremely detail oriented. In fact, I am rather scatter-brained. The title is from the Sara Bareilles song "Between the Lines". I guess rather than going into detail about how the song relates to my life (and believe me, it is as if she wrote every line with my situation in mind), I thought it would be better to just post the lyrics. So here is my life right now in a nutshell:

Time to tell me the truth
To burden your mouth for what you say
No pieces of paper in the way
'Cause I can't continue pretending to choose
These opposite sides on which we fall
Loving you laters if at all
No right minds could wrong be this many times
My memory is cruel
I'm queen of attention to details
Defending intentions if he fails
Until now, he told me her name
It sounded familiar in a way
I could have sworn I'd heard him say it ten thousand times
Oh, if only I had been listening

Leave unsaid unspoken
Eyes wide shut unopened
You and me
Always between the lines
Between the lines

I thought I, I thought I was ready to bleed
That we'd move from the shadows on the wall
And stand in the center of it all
Too late, two choices to stay or to leave
Mine was so easy to uncover
He'd already left with the other
So I've learned to listen through silence

Leave unsaid unspoken
Eyes wide shut unopened
You and me
Always be
You and me always be

I tell myself all the words he surely meant to say
I'll talk until the conversation doesn't stay on
Wait for me, I'm almost ready
When he meant let go

Leave unsaid unspoken
Eyes wide shut unopened
You and me
Always be
You and me
Always between the lines
Between the lines
Between the lines

My cynical views on love

Do you know what look I hate? That look that people get after a surprise kiss. You see it in the movies and on TV all the time- the sexual tension is finally broken when the stereotypically attractive male hero finally plants one on the strong and independent female lead. Most people love this scene because that tension that has been building and building is finally broken and the two people everyone has been rooting for can finally be happy together.

But I don't see it that way. If you look closely and see past that immediate smile that comes across the woman's face, you see something else. Complete trust and vulnerability. And you know what? That just makes me angry. Why is it that a woman can be just fine, and even more than that really well off, and then as soon as a man kisses her she is weak? She abandons all sense of strength just because someone bent over and pressed his lips to hers. And in that one instant, all of her insecurities are written all over her face. You can see that she just can't believe that someone would actually find her attractive enough and interesting enough to make the effort to kiss her.

I may just be jaded though. This makes me angry because I recognize this look in myself. I remember the people that I have given this look to. I remember the moments when someone completely surprised me with a kiss. The summer afternoon watching movies and drinking beer on the couch, the party where a long awaited conversation leads to more, the innocent gathering in a friend's apartment. And yes, I bought into the romance of it each time. I allowed myself to believe that a kiss was more than a kiss. And after having my heart broken by these men, I realized that the hero is not a hero. He is just another liar that will use you until there is nothing left of you to use and then leave you with no explanation. Months later you may get the lame excuse "oh, I realized I wasn't over my ex" or "my life got a little crazy" or "I just wasn't ready for a relationship" (even though they start dating someone immediately after...) but in the long run, the "hero" is just another lousy excuse for a man in a long line of men just waiting to break your heart.

Bitter? Maybe. Heartbroken? Yes. Disillusioned to the idea of romance that everyone seems to buy into? Definitely.